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| New Xanga name is Belles_mommy25
Come on over if you'd like!
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| Edit: I just want to clarify, I will not be choosing who I add to my site based on who comments all the time or who doesn't as much. At all. There are plenty of people who never comment but I have no problem with them reading. I don't care about comments whatsoever. You could come to my site 21372103291 times a day and not comment and that is just fine with me. Were all moms, were busy...we can't always take the time to sit and comment everyone we choose to read. I just enjoy sharing my life with everyone and getting feedback when people so choose to comment. And in return you all allow me to look into your lives too. That's quite enough. <3
Out with the old... It angers me that I can't even say what I want to say on my own site without it being used against me. As generous as Xanga has been in connecting me with wonderful friends and creating an outlet for me it has also brought much drama and unneeded toxicity in my life. I am over it. I need to be more particular with my friends. So over the weekend I will be creating a new site with a new name. If you would like to be added I ask that you please email me and just say you want to be added. Many of you ladies are fabulous and I hope will want to remain my friend but some of you have got to go. So just shoot me an email if you wish and if I decide to add you...you'll know when you get my friend request. And i think it's safe to say some of you know even if you didn't email me...I would hunt you down and add you anyways. =P Because I simply adore you. <3 Courtney_Lynn20@hotmail.com | | |
| Edit: Have you ever had a question you've been just dying to ask me? Ask away...I would love to answer them!! Well well well...what a weekend I had. Originally I had planned to go on an impromptu trip to Illinois to visit the family since Chuck had graduated from Marines bootcamp and was on a 10 day leave. I was going to have Apryl come along for support and a driving buddy and we were going to stay in a hotel paid for by Tony's Hilton Points he had accumulated. We had everything ready to go and at the last minute Tony called me from work saying the points didn't get accepted because they were expired or something of the sort. And since the hotel was 110 dollars a night (and we were staying 2 nights) I surely could not afford that. I spent a few hours trying to find a way to get some money so we could still go but to no avail. Since Apryl was literally with one foot out the door she decided to come anyway. I am really glad she did because I was feeling terrible. It was a nice distraction. We just hung out...shopped a little, went to the bar and got hit on by old guys =P and the next night we stayed up late having drinks and just venting, chatting, connecting (as if we aren't already) and just doing what friends do. It's always nice to re validate why I have her in my life. I <3 Ape! Sadly I know my sister is pissed at me for not coming. However...she was making it obvious the days before my trip that she didn't even want me there. Finding reasons for me to not be at the house and such. (She lives with my dad and younger siblings with her husband and kids.) But she's just moody like that. I'm used to it. My grandma said something that I really agree with...I don't have to be emotionally invested in her but I can remain "detached with love". And that's just exactly what I've been doing. That way when she get's in her moods where she hates me...I won't get my feelings hurt. Either way I love her and would do anything for her. Luckily the most important people, (my little sisters and Chuck) were very understanding and made me feel much better about it. I do so love them.
Moving on.
I signed Belle up for a pottery class! It starts in October. I guess I have come to terms with the fact that she just isn't really into athletics or dance or anything. She's an artsy fartsy child.  But hey...I think I like that better. So I am excited to see how she likes this. I am just trying to give her artistic outlets. She's been begging me to get her into an art class. This may not be what she expected but I think she's going to love it.
Speaking of my lovely...here are some photos before school today and then a video at the end of her singing a couple songs!!
Oh these first pictures are from a few days ago. Belle came to me very excited that she put on her own head band. It was all I could do to CRACK UP LAUGHING!!! I thought it was sooo cute but she was serious. She really liked it. So I humored her. Hehe
Sooo funny!!   After I showed her "an easier way to do it" this is how she did it...  Yes that rabbit is wearing a collar lol pretty good huh??   At school today...  In front of her locker shared with Jack P!   All the kids had weird faces lol  Belle singing a couple songs from school...
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| (If you have not, please read my post below this one. Thank you so very much to all of you who have responded. It makes me feel so validated and just...not quite so alone. I will get back to each and every one of you. You are all amazing women and really some spectacular friends)
Why the anxiety and depression need to go and why I'm getting so proactive...
Because every day, I wake up and spend my day in the presence of the most beautiful person. Not just surface beautiful, but soul beautiful. She is the most gentle, caring, curious, intelligent, careful and loyal person I've ever know. Now given my past that's not hard to accomplish...but to me she is just this beaming light. It's like...when you're a child and you see movies with fairies....and you just think they are the most beautiful thing! She's like...my little fairy. My north star. To me that is what she represents in my life. If it was not for her I would not be doing well with my life if I had one at all. She wakes up every day...and is a part of my life. She willingly participates in being a part of my every day life. Now I know I know...I'm her mother...she has to. But its (of course) more than that. She's a good kid. And I know that it is because she knows that I respect her...as a person. I take her seriously. She knows I'm on her side. And in return, she respects me. And that's not even about respect...just consideration. Now I know some of you are reading this thinking..."uhhh yeah that's how things are supposed to be". But it's spectacular to me because I've never known in my life anyone who really loved me, that much. Hence why I always gush about her on my blogs. This love this is new to me. So here's to life lessons and moving forward. This little lady is worth trying to heal myself. And so am I.
Edit: Belle quotes!
Belle while I was driving: "Hey lady what are you doing? My mom is trying to drive!"
Belle to me: "Can we live in a jungle someday?"
Belle to the cat: "Kitty, I have something to tell you. (leans over to cats ear) (softly) "I love you"
First full day of school...(8:55am-11:40am)
If you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine Her locker...(Isabelle? Yeah I'm making them change that  )  Belle and Brooke...the 4 year old | | |
| So after posting a comment on a fellow Xangans site I decided to write a post about a few things people may not know about me. I know a lot of you who have been reading for years do know these things. But I want people to understand how big of a part of my life this is. I am going to start from the beginning and hopefully it won't take too long. Some of you will have no interest but really think quite a few of you will identify with this and hopefully I can strike some cords. As a part of my self therapy I want to put it out in the open.
I had a very unfavorable childhood. Because of it I developed some unfavorable disorders. Well not totally because of the way I grew up...but it's in my blood too. I've always been aware that something was different about me. Even as a very young child...I knew my head was somewhere other than where most kids heads were. Not in the clouds but...inside of me. I always had this very critical dialog for myself. And I always felt...heavy. There was always something pushing me into the floor. It wasn't until I was much older...until I had my bout with Post Partum Depression...that I realized I had been depressed all this time. But now it's been compounded with my new life and responsibilities as a mother. I began to learn about the symptoms, causes...ect Now pretty much my whole life I've had trust issues. Neither of my parents were very close with me, neither of them really encouraged me and neither showed me how to talk to myself positivly. And though I went through some blame and resentment...I now realize that they were sufferers as well. My mom especially who dealt with depression and anxiety as well. I of course made that connection after she passed away. Now my anxiety, I had never even noticed. But looking back it was very present. It in fact ruled most of mt life. But that didn't become evident until very recently. I started noticing having some fast heart beats and I would get a little sweaty and numb...I would think I was dying. I had one incident recently where I almost called 911. That's when I decided I needed to stop this cycle of depression and anxiety and see who the hell I am underneath. I feel like I've been suffocated by a mask my whole life and that I am someone totally different underneath. My symptoms of depression/anxiety are: racing/obsessive thoughts, poor outlook on future, inability to concentrate, poor body image, outbursts, hopelessness, poor sleep, no motivation, fear of the unknown, fear of other peoples thoughts of me, not believing in myself, aches and pains, headaches, poor relationships, chronic fatigue...ect ect ect. I have been going on like this for years. And one day I was thinking about the medications my mom used to take, how she used to act, things she used to say and it occurred to me that I am truly exactly the way she was. I see so much similarities in who I've been and who she was. The problem was...she never talked to me about her issues so I never knew it was something deficient. Instead of learning how to cope...I learned how to be depressed. But now that I can connect the dots as to why I am this way...I feel like I can work backwards and heal myself. I've read several self help books, done much research, watched many documentaries and have just plain done some soul searching. And though I haven't healed myself...I feel the depression and anxiety's grip on me..loosening. I feel my self control...growing. And I know that with full dedication..."I can take this sinking ship and point it home." I simply want to reach out to anyone who many go through what I go through. Even on a smaller or larger scale. I feel the more we put a light on these disorders...the easier it will be to take them on. People who are depressed especially get a really bad rap. We're either just moody or sensitive or crazy. And that false idea is exactly what keeps people from really realizing they're problems. They don't want to be seen as crazy or even worse...weak. If you can't come to terms with the gravity of your issues...you cannot overcome them. Overcoming your disorders...whatever they may be...isn't just about suppressing it...it's about all the underlying layers of problems. And that's just the kicker with disorders...it's never simple. It's about self imagine, self discipline, support, sleep, diet, spirituality (NOT religion), positive thinking...ect. All of these things (or should I say, the lack of them) contribute to disorders. So in order to treat yourself you must address all these issues. And more. Especially for us lucky ones who are mothers now...that adds in a whole other element. It's like taking a jumbled up ball of 50 different strings and trying to unknot it with one tug of one string. It's just simply not going to make a difference. You need to take time to unravel the whole thing and straighten it all out. I believe that by connecting with each other we can help support each other and help each others recovery. Because I know that enemy #1 for me...is that I feel very alone in my experiences. If you feel this blog is speaking to you please feel free to contact me and maybe I can recommend some books, videos and just information in general...as well as support. It's a good start. Because please listen when I say...there's a way out. It's just going to take some work. Most likely a lifetimes worth.
With the utmost honesty and sincerity,
Courtney Lynn Russell
Ps. I also want to say that I feel the media is a big detriment to womens depression and anxiety. We are constantly shown how to look and how to act and feel and be. Though many people talk about womens rights...I don't buy that shit. We may have rights but we still live in a mans box. The way men treat women and expect certain things and for you to look a certain way is flat out barbaric.Women are made to feel so insecure and inferior that we are lessened as mothers, friends, wives and just as a person....simply because of it. There is just not enough emphasis on self care/internal care and way way too much emphasis on looks and material things. I could go on and on about the outside offenders for deepening depression and anxiety and disorders but I won't because I want people to really read this and not blow it off because it's so long.
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